Communication in Neurodivergent Relationships:

Strategies for Connection

Communication in neurodivergent relationships often feels like trying to follow a new recipe without a clear list of ingredients—messy, confusing, and sometimes frustrating. As a neurodivergent therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the challenges that come with expressing ourselves and connecting with our partners.

In this post, I’ll provide tips that apply to neurotypical and neurodivergent brains, though sometimes both will be relevant for everyone, no matter where you fall on the neurodiversity spectrum. Let’s explore some practical strategies to help bridge the gap and strengthen our relationships!

Keep Your Language Clear and Specific

Why it matters: Vague statements can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. Instead of saying, “I’ll be home soon,” try something like, “I’ll be home in 20 minutes.” Clear and specific language helps reduce uncertainty and provides your partner with a clearer picture of what to expect.

Tip for Neurotypical Partner(s): Clear communication isn’t just helpful—it’s essential for creating a sense of stability and predictability. Knowing what to expect reduces anxiety and provides a sense of control. Being specific helps your neurodivergent partner process your words without overthinking or second-guessing. Words like “soon” might leave your ND partner stuck in limbo, unsure of how much time they’re working with.

Tip for Neurodivergent Partner(s): When you use clear, specific language, it removes the guesswork. This helps your partner know exactly what you mean and prevents unnecessary frustration. It also helps you feel more confident in expressing yourself clearly. If you and your partner(s) have discussed accountability, giving them a clear time frame can allow them to give soft reminders or support when needing to stick to a schedule.

Express Yourself with Empathy

Why it matters: When we share feelings, especially difficult ones, how we phrase them can determine whether our partner feels blamed or understood. Shifting the focus from “you” to “I” helps to avoid sounding accusatory and invites more empathy into the conversation. This creates an atmosphere where both partners can express themselves openly without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

Tip for Neurotypical Partner(s): By framing your words around your own experience, you help your ND partner see that you’re not blaming them but expressing a need. This approach fosters a compassionate response and reduces the chances of them feeling criticized or misunderstood. The ND brain can often experience intense emotional sensitivity to perceived criticism, rejection, or disapproval and “I Statements” can help get your message across without hurting your partner.

Tip for Neurodivergent Partner(s): When you express your feelings from your own perspective, you invite your partner into your world. This allows them to understand your emotional state without them feeling the need to put up a defensive wall. It’s easier for them to empathize and offer support when they are guided to understand your experience.

Check for Understanding

Why it matters: You might be processing language entirely differently, so asking your partner if they understand helps avoid the miscommunication that can arise from assumptions. Pausing to check if they’ve fully understood what you’ve shared also shows respect for their perspective and invites dialogue. For example, in the first tip I talked about the word “soon”. For some people “soon” can be within 20 minutes, but for others “soon” may be 2-3 hours. Don’t assume that just because you’re speaking the same language, you’re understanding the words in the same way!

Tip for Neurotypical Partner(s): Checking for understanding isn’t about doubting your partner’s ability to comprehend; it’s about ensuring that you’re both on the same page. It opens the door for clarification and deeper connection, allowing both partners to feel heard.

Tip for Neurodivergent Partner(s): By asking if your partner understands, you make sure that your thoughts and feelings are communicated in a way that resonates with them. This is your chance to clear up any confusion, ensuring your message is received as you intended.

Be Mindful of Interruptions

Why it matters: Many neurodivergent individuals might interrupt because they process information quickly or are excited to share their thoughts. Unfortunately, this can lead to frustration for neurotypical partners, who might interpret interruptions as rude or disrespectful. By acknowledging how interruptions can affect both partners, you can create a strategy to minimize them and make sure both people feel heard.

Tip for Neurotypical Partner(s): Understand that interruptions aren’t always personal. They may be a reflection of how your ND partner processes information or their excitement to participate in the conversation. Recognizing this can help you remain patient and reduce any tension. Coming up with a signal or strategy together can be a great way to make your conversations more fluid. Your voice matters too, and by working together you and your partner(s) can both feel heard.

Tip for Neurodivergent Partner(s): If you have a tendency to interrupt, practicing awareness of when your partner is speaking fully can help the conversation flow more smoothly. Pausing and waiting for them to finish will give both of you the space to express your thoughts without the conversation feeling rushed or fragmented.

Communicating about Household Responsibilities

Why it matters: Household tasks can be a point of tension in many relationships, but when one or both partners are neurodivergent, the way responsibilities are approached can become even more complicated. Neurodivergent individuals might struggle with prioritization or remembering tasks, while neurotypical partners might expect things to be done without discussing or delegating responsibilities. Clear, collaborative communication about household duties helps ensure that both partners are on the same page.

Tip for Neurotypical Partners: Recognize that your neurodivergent partner may need additional support or reminders. Instead of assuming they know what’s expected, discuss tasks openly and often. It’s important to avoid assigning blame and to work together to create a system that works for both of you. Sometimes, even just body-doubling can be what your ND partner needs!

Tip for Neurodivergent Partners: If household tasks are overwhelming or difficult to organize, it’s okay to voice that. You’re not alone in this; talking about what feels manageable allows you and your partner to find a rhythm that works for both of you. The goal is to work as a team to make things feel more balanced. Spend some time thinking about what aspects of a task feel the most challenging and share with your partner ideas on how to make it feel more manageable.

Emotional Regulation and Overstimulation

Why it matters: Neurodivergent individuals often have heightened sensitivities to sensory input (like loud sounds or bright lights), which can lead to overstimulation. Overstimulation can affect emotional regulation, making it more difficult to engage in healthy, constructive conversations. By recognizing when one partner needs space or support, both partners can manage these moments more effectively and avoid escalations. Click here to read more about Overstimulation!

Tip for Partners: When your neurodivergent partner asks for space or shows signs of being overwhelmed, it’s not a rejection of you. It’s a sign that they need to regulate their emotions before they can engage meaningfully. Understanding this need and offering space shows that you respect their boundaries.

Tip for Neurodivergent Partners: Communicating your need for space or a break is essential for emotional regulation. Let your partner know what will help you feel calm, whether it’s retreating to a quiet room or using a relaxation technique. This helps them support you in a way that feels productive, not dismissive.

You’ve Got This!

Communication in neurodivergent relationships isn’t about perfection; it’s about building understanding, compassion, and respect. It’s a journey that involves learning to navigate each other’s unique needs, processing styles, and emotional rhythms. With a foundation of clear, empathetic communication and a commitment to supporting one another through challenges, you can create a partnership that thrives on trust and mutual respect.

While misunderstandings may arise, they don’t have to derail your connection. Every conversation is an opportunity to better understand each other, strengthen your bond, and grow together. The key lies in patience—both with yourself and with your partner—and in embracing the diverse ways you communicate and connect.